There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize