I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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