so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize