literally had 100 drinks last night.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
