How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
