and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize