Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
two words...techno handjob
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
