I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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