You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
