Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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