Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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