I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
