At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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