i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He felt like a one man threesome
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
