I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
