Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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