I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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