So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Found your dick twin last night
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
