can we get nightvision for the apartment?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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