Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
