My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
