i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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