WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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