Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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