i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
