I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
