I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
