if only i could text you this smell
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
