Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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