i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
sarcasm needs its own font
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
