I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
