Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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