I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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