This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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