I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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