Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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