I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
