i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
someone owes me an orgasm
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
