I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
