Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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