Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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