Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
