you would pick up someone in the library
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
