Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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