WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
