I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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