You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
