She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
my poor anus
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
