Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
