Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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