My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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