hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
