Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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