he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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