someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
