I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
