Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
