Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
