How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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