i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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